A Flower for Forgiveness
by DobbyRoxMySox
Summary: "That morning, Severus notices a lily tucked behind Lily's ear. She doesn't say she's forgiven him, but he knows she has" A series of drabbles outlining the moments in-between the pivotal moments of Lily and Severus' relationship.
1. Freeform Magic

_A/N: (This'll be long, but I promiss if I write any more of these they'll be shorter) So this is basically just a series of drabbles-I think on last count I've written around fifty of them so far-that I'll be uploading as I get the chance to edit them. I started off trying to keep them under 100 words, but gave up on that after the first ten or so. I'd say most are slightly over 100, though there are none over 130 words._

_I've always been very intrigued by the relationship between Lily and Severus, so this is me exploring that relationship a bit. What follows is for the most part cannon, it takes a couple of dramatic liberties and expands on a few things I believe J. K. Rowling was hinting at, but never intentionally contradicts anything written in the books._

_These moments start at the beginnning of their relationship, and work their way through to-well, you know the end. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! As always reviews are greatly appreciated. Good or bad, I'd love to hear what you have to say!_

_Disclaimer: I'm only going to say this once so listen up: I do not own any of these characters, they belong to the extroardinarily talented J. K. Rowling. If I did own them, they probably would have ended up seeing past their differences, getting married, having a kid and naming it Harold, and then where would our epic story be then? You can't have a hero named Harold. So you'd better be glad I'm not Jo!_

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><p>When his magic escapes, it does so in frantic outbursts, pulsing from him in a wave of terrified energy, knocking over everything in the near vicinity. It shatters vases, topples bookcases, generates a long string of profanities and threats from his father.<p>

But when Lily's magic is set free, it's beautiful. She eases open flower buds, summons the wind to defy gravity for her, coaxes falling leaves to sprout wings and take flight.

She doesn't even understand her power, yet already she possesses the strength and composure to tame it somewhat.

Every day Severus watches her, envious and mesmerized, trying to work up the courage to speak to this beautiful, remarkable girl.

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><p><em>And yes, I'm aware of the ridiculousness of having an authors note twice as long as the chapter. Promise, it'll never happen again!<em>


	2. Hogwarts Express

_A/N: And I forgot to mention, these will all be in roughly chronological order_

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><p>When Lily sees the Hogwarts Express for the first time, she lets out a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding.<p>

It was here. It existed. Severus hadn't been lying to her.

She hugs her parents one last time, lingering over each hug as though trying to commit to memory the shape of their bodies pressed against hers. She pleads once more for a proper goodbye from Petunia.

Then she drags her trunk over towards the train, and with Severus' help, lugs it up the stairs. Before they step into the car, Severus offers Lily his hand.

Without hesitating, Lily takes it.

Together they walk away from the world they've always known, into a world they've only ever dreamt of.


	3. Freak

He sees her hunched in the corner of the owlery, and immediately walks over. It's not till he's almost upon her that he notices she's crying.

For a moment, he hesitates, unsure of what to do.

Then, he lowers himself to the ground beside her, and awkwardly pats her on the back.

She hands him a piece of parchment, adorned with a single, hateful word:

_FREAK_

Petunia, of course.

He speaks automatically, surely, "It's ok. I'm a freak too. We can be freaks together."

He can't quite tell through the thick veil of tears, but he think this earns him a smile.


	4. The Art of Forgiveness

"Forgiveness isn't advanced potion-making," she tells him. "Say you're sorry and make up for it. Buy her some flowers or something. Girls like that."

Severus shrugs. He doesn't think flowers are going to be enough to get him out of this one.

Suddenly Lily's eyes light up, fiercely green, like fireflies. "I know! Write her a poem! I bet she'd love that."

Lily's the only one who knows about his rather effeminate knack for poetry.

"Now what rhymes with Tess?"

"Stress."

"Mess."

"Less."

"Repress."

"Undress."

Severus snorts. "Ok. Maybe I should just go with the flowers…"


	5. He Never Tells

He never says so, but she knows. She can tell by his long baggy clothes, by the shadows under his eyes and the way he limps sometimes but insists nothing's wrong. Can tell by the way his eyes widen in fear whenever his father enters the room. Can tell by his mother's frail, hunched stature. She blends in with the dusty, threadbare living room, as though she too were yet another aged furniture item, worn after too much use.

She wonders sometimes why he never tells her. Then she remembers those wide, terrified eyes. After that, she stops wondering.


	6. Fallen Tree

They're lying in the grass at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, gazing up into the treetops.

"Do you think," asks Severus, in a moment of rather clichéd speculation, "if a tree falls in the middle of the forest and no ones around to hear it, it still makes a sound?"

"Course it does." Answers Lily, "Why wouldn't it?"

"Well, what's the point?" protests Severus, "If no ones around to listen, why bother?"

Lily thinks about this. "It doesn't care who's around to hear. It makes a sound all for itself. No one has to listen. That's not the point."


	7. Apology

She hasn't talked to him in five days. It's been the longest five days of his life.

He supposes teasing her about that pimple had been a tad bit insensitive. _But five whole days of silent treatment?_

Granted, he hasn't apologized to her yet. Apologies aren't really his forte. Last time with Tess he'd ended up getting a flower vase lobbed at his head.

So this time no vases. No roses. Just a single lily and a note, left on her windowsill.

That morning, Severus notices a lily tucked behind Lily's ear. She doesn't say she's forgiven him, but he knows she has.


	8. Lilies for Lily

She notices the lily right away. She doesn't need the hastily scrawled: _My sincerest apologies, Severus, _to tell her who left it. No one else would think of something quite so corny.

Still, she smiles as she lifts the lily and twirls it between her fingers.

This wouldn't be the last lily. In fact, it would be the first in an endless tirade of lilies, which she'd keep tucked away in a box beneath her bed. Slowly they'd wilt, their petals shriveling and nimble stems snapping. And Lily would look at them with a strange sense of despondency, hoping that her friendship with Severus was not so very fragile.


	9. Sounds Like You

"What do you want to do when you grow up Sev?" She asks him, as she nibbles gingerly on a piece of toast.

He cocks his head, "Why?"

"Just curious."

"I dunno. Never really thought about it. What about you?"

She chews her bite slowly, mulling it over as her breakfast slowly disintegrates. Finally, she swallows, "I want to be a healer."

It doesn't surprise him. She's smart, convicted. She could do it.

"I want to help people." She says, "Make a difference, you know? Merlin, that sounds corny."

"No it doesn't," he says, "It sounds like you."


	10. Not The First Time

They've returned to Hogwarts after Christmas. Lily sees Severus and pounces on him, hugging him tightly.

He winces under the pressure, but tries not to show it. Lily notices.

She rolls up his sleeve to discover a shoddily bandaged gash in his arm, bleeding profusely.

She arches an eyebrow and he shakes his head. No hospital wing then.

They make their way to the bathroom, and Lily pulls out her secret stash of medical equipment and begins fixing him up.

He sits stoically as her eyes glisten and she tries to keep her hands steady.

It's not the first time.


	11. Something to Believe in

He admires her strength, her conviction. He wishes sometimes he could be as sure of just one thing as she is about absolutely everything she does. Could, just for a moment, believe and trust in something, _anything_, with every fiber, every particle of his being.

As though sensing that he's looking at her, she turns around and smiles. It's a warm, familiar kind of smile. Her eyes are bright, her lips slightly parted, head cocked. It's a special smile, reserved only for him.

It's in this moment that he realizes that there is something, well someone, that he is absolutely sure of.

_Her._


	12. A New Friend

When he's in the common room, Severus keeps his eyes down or his nose in a book. He ignores most everyone, and in turn, they happily return the favor. Severus tells himself that it's better this way. Slytherins are natural enemy makers. Better to go unnoticed than to be hated. And besides, he has Lily. He doesn't need anyone but her.

So when he sees the severe-looking, beacon blonde fifth-year striding over towards him, he looks down at his shoelaces, hoping the boy will take the hint and change direction.

He doesn't, of course.

"Severus, right?" He asks, jutting out a bony hand, "I'm Lucius. Lucius Malfoy."

Severus reluctantly shakes his hand.

"You and I," Lucious proclaims, "Are going to be good friends."

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><p><em>Thanks everyone for all your reviewsalerts/favorites so far! It really means a lot. Next chapter will feature an appearance from a character very near and dear to my heart...if you've read any of my other fics it shouldn't be too hard to guess who..._


	13. Wintry Traditions

It's tradition. Every year before the holidays, they climb up to the roof of the West Wing and lob snowballs at students milling about in the courtyard. No one ever sees them coming. It's perfect.

He likes the way she flicks her tongue out to catch errant snowflakes as they whiz by, the way her hair whips out from under her cap, those unruly red strands flowing in the breeze like licks of flame. He loves the triumphant smirk that graces her features whenever she lands a hit.

She spots Potter arrogantly swaggering across the courtyard, and takes aim.

Severus smiles as he hears the satisfying _thud._

Lily never misses.


	14. Romeo and Juliet

_A/N: I know, referencing Romeo and Juliet in a fanfic is one of the most overused and abused tricks in the book...I just couldn't help myself..._

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><p>"Who're Romeo and Juliet?" he asks her one day, after she derisively refers to a snogging couple in the hallway as such.<p>

"They're two lovers in a story," she says, "They love each other more than anything, but they can't be together, so they kill themselves."

Severus snorts. "Well what's so romantic about that? That's bloody stupid!"

Lily bites her lip. "I don't think so," she says softly, "I think it's kind of beautiful. To love someone so much you can't even imagine living in a world without them, and to have someone feel the same about you…I think that would be incredible."


	15. Almost

_A/N: I'm uploading these next three together because I believe they should be read together. They are not necesarily in chronological order, or at least, the events in each don't exactly lead up to the next, but they regard the same subject matter, so I felt like they should be linked somehow. Enjoy! Thanks again for all the positive feedback!_

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><p>They sit under the beech tree by the black lake, tentatively dipping their toes into the icy water. It's the beginning of spring, flower buds start to peek out of the soil, birds emit a few tender notes to warm their voices, and Lily and Severus sit by the lakeside, slowly feeling with darted looks and secret blushes.<p>

Severus' hand creeps forward to entangle Lily's. She smiles sweetly and squeezes gently. They slowly start to lean forward, eyes flickering shut in anticipation…

_WHAM! _

Head throbbing, Severus looks up and glares at the offending object.

A battered old quaffle, with a single, cursed word scrawled across it.

_Potter. _


	16. Livid Fire

_Lily is scary when she's angry, _Severus decides, watching as she paces about the room, wringing her hands and flicking her hair violently. It flows through the air, livid yet fluid, darting and twisting like wildfire. He sees the fire burning in her eyes too, those emerald orbs smoldering, blazing in white-hot fury.

She grasps the fire now, two arms bent, two hands grabbing at the roots of her hair and pulling as though hoping to rip those fiery locks right out of her skull.

A single world, both a curse and a revelation, roars from her lips.

"POTTER!"


	17. Potter

In the end, it was always Potter.

He should have seen it from the start. She never loved him. Never could have. How could any girl love someone as broken and battered as he, when the brand-new-shiny-as-a-newly-polished-trophy boy was standing right beside him, running a hand through his perfectly windswept hair?

There was more to his hatred of Potter than petty pranks and house rivalries. He was jealous of him. Jealous of his cocky manner, his pretty-boy looks and winning smile.

But most of all, jealous of the passion-filled way Lily uttered his name. Like an anathema. Like a prayer.


	18. Spider

_A/N: Sorry updates have been on the sporadic side lately...I'm moving into college in a few days so things have been a bit hectic around here. Thanks for understanding! Hope you enjoy this next drabble!_

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><p>"But Lils, they bite," says Severus, referring to the spider she's just swiped from under his rolled-up newspaper, "Why would you want to save something that likes to chew on you?"<p>

Lily just shakes her head, smiles. "Well, it must be tough to be a spider. Pretty much every human on the planet despises you and wants to kill you, for no fault of your own, just because you were born with a few too many legs and eyes…I think if I were that spider I wouldn't mind taking a bite off of somebody myself."

Her tone is teasing, but Severus can tell that she means every word she says.


	19. Potions Class

It's not until fourth year that they have their first potion class together. They huddle over their cauldrons together, swapping tips and trading ingredients while Slughorn looks their way and beams.

Severus loves the way Lily's brow furrows when she's concentrating, loves the way she absentmindedly wipes the misty sweat beads off her forehead with the back of her sleeve.

Lily loves to watch Severus' eyes light up as he hunches over to scribble some new trick he's just discovered into his over-worn book.

She's proud to say that some of her discoveries are in the book as well.


	20. Hogesmede Visits

Severus dreads Hogesmede visits. They used to be fun, he and Lily used to spend the whole day together, drinking butterbeer, sampling Honeydukes' sweets, and speculating about the happenstances at the Shrieking Shack.

But then in fourth year, every boy at Hogwarts started to notice what he'd known all along: Lily was beautiful.

So now she goes on dates during Hogesmede visits. And Severus, who hasn't been on a date since that embarrassing show with Tess, stays behind and does homework.

He wonders sometimes if she remembers their almost-but-not-quite kiss back in third year. He wonders who she's kissing now.


	21. Sev's Battle

If Severus' father taught him anything, it was that you fight your own battles. You don't ever let anyone else take a blow meant for you.

So when Slughorn catches him stealing some rat's spleens from the potions closet and Lily comes to his rescue—looking abashed and batting her eyelashes while she explains to Slughorn and the entire potions class that she asked Severus to steal them for her, she wanted to make herself an acne vanishing drought—he doesn't thank her.

He wants to be grateful, wants to appreciate this enormous act of kindness, but deep down, all he feels is the seething throb of his wounded pride.


	22. Purple Stains

_A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Hope this rather depressing drabble doesn't disappoint._

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><p>Purple stains on otherwise pale, perfect skin. Ugly imperfections. Ghastly even.<p>

He sits on the toilet and stares stoically ahead, trying not to wince as Lily cleans and dresses his latest wound.

Looking at him in this harsh light, it occurs to Lily how small and fragile he truly is. He's thin as death, sickly-pale skinned, with a perpetual hunch to his shoulders, as though just waiting for a reason to curl up into a ball and hide from the world.

She thinks of the monster who did this to him, reduced him to this, and her hands shake in rage and grief. Shake so hard she spills the bottle of paste she's been holding.

It dribbles onto her shirt. Purple tendrils staining pale white, perfect fabric.


	23. Dark Magic

_A/N: Sorry for the very long wait, college orientation has been an enormous time-suck lately...lots of boring meeting. Anyway though, without further adu, here's another cheerful little drabble for you all! Enjoy!_

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><p>He feels the raw, primal power emanating from the book the second he touches it. It both excites and terrifies him. He leafs through the pages with trembling hands.<p>

The graphics are gruesome. Wizards, muggles, halfbreeds, contorting in pain, screaming in anguish as they are strangled, burned, flayed alive.

He stares at the pictures with an odd mix of empathy and contempt. Here are people who have suffered like he has. Here are people who deserve to suffer.

He studies the spells eagerly, his pulse quickening at the very thought of wielding such awful power.

He trembles in euphoria, shivers in fear.


	24. Lily Grove

She tells him one day, the number of lilies she has stashed away in that box beneath her bed. Twenty-eight. Twenty-eight times he's angered her; twenty-eight times she's forgiven him.

He picks his lilies from the same place each time, a small patch on the far side of the lake, below a wilting beech tree. He marvels sometimes at how, despite his constant uprooting, the grove never seems to diminish. If anything, its size only seems to grow.

To him, lilies are flowers of resilience, of compassion, and, above all, of near unending depths of forgiveness.


	25. He's Dead

"He's dead."

It's just two muttered words, but instantly, she understands. He's dead. Severus' father is gone forever.

Her mind is oddly clear as she slides her back down the dungeon wall to sit beside him. She's dreamt about this moment more times than she's proud to admit, but somehow, it doesn't feel anything like she'd imagined it would.

She feels no sadness, no relief, no empathy. She feels nothing. Nothing at all.

Still, she takes his hand in hers and gently squeezes.

There's nothing more to say, and they both know it.

It's over.

He's dead.


	26. It's About You

"This is ridiculous." Severus grumbles, "I'm not talking to a slab of granite."

"Fine, talk to the dirt then." Snaps Lily. "You're doing this whether you like it or not. You won't get closure till you do."

"He's dead Lils. He can't hear me. It's useless."

"It's not useless." She states defiantly, "Besides, this isn't about him. It's about you. You're going to tell him everything you ever wanted to say to him while he was alive, but never got the chance to. Now do it. I'll wait by the pond."

She gives him a gentle shove towards the gravestone, and trudges off.


	27. Mudblood

She storms up the stairs to her dorm, staggering slightly from both rage and blurry vision. Her eyes are drenched in tears.

She'd seen the lily tucked into his pocket, but wasn't about to let him get that far. Not this time. She'd forgiven him long enough, but this—this was the last straw. She shuddered…_Mudblood…_

She rips open the door and dives for the box beneath her bed, upending it easily. For a moment she sits there and stares at all those lifeless lilies, all those chances she's been foolish enough to grant him.

Then she takes out her wand, mutters an incantation.

The flames leap to life, devouring the already shriveled flowers. She watches detachedly, not noticing the lily shaped scorch mark the flames etch into her floor.

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><p><em>AN: Hate to break it to you guys, but things are about to get very depressing from here on out. Enjoy!_


	28. Missing Him

Sometimes she forgets that they're no longer friends. She'll see him in the hallway and instinctively smile, before remembering, and quickly rearranging her features into the appropriate scowl. Her facial muscles are getting tired of the frequent expressive gymnastics.

Everyday, she misses her potions partner, misses her breakfast pal, misses her reluctant poet, misses her Potter-repellent, misses her best friend.

And the one person she wants to talk to about all of this—the sympathetic ear she's always had by her side—is all of these things, and so much more.

But he's not here anymore.

And she misses him.


	29. Dark Diversions

He's been working on the spell for weeks, and finally, he believes, it is ready.

Making spells has become his favorite diversion since Lily stopped speaking to him. If he sits down and pours over his books, channels all of his energy into finding the precise incantation, the perfect wand gesticulation, he can forget about her for hours on end.

Even so, the bitterness is always present. Since Lily left his spells have taken on a darker edge. Before, he crafted spells to amuse, to embarrass his tormentors.

Now, his spells are meant purely for pain.

He scribbles the final incantation into his potions book, eager to test it soon.

_Sectumsempra. _


	30. Sectumsempra

The desperate cry fills her ears, it pierces her lungs like a knife. She tries to make a sound, to scream herself, to sob, to plead, but there's nothing. That harrowing sound has stolen the air from the room.

She can't see the rat behind his back, but she knows. Can see the blood smears on the wall, can hear that suffocating cry.

"Sev…" she chokes out finally, a soft, strangled sound.

He whips his head around, and for a moment, she doesn't recognize his face.

Somewhere deep inside her, a knife twists.

She can't breathe.


	31. Bobotuber Pus

They try their best to avoid each other, but occasionally, they have no choice in the matter.

Such is the case one day in Herbology, when they are paired together extracting pus from bobotuber plants.

They say few words to one another, speaking only when absolutely necessary, always with averted eyes and tight, unfriendly lips.

Lily pops a plant a bit too forcefully, and pus spurts out wildly. A bit squirts in her face, and instantly her features contort in pain, her eyes widen in astonishment.

On instinct, Severus grabs her arm to keep her steady. She rips it out of his grasp, and cries out—a wild, wounded whimper.


	32. Reason to Reconsider

_A/N: I might get some flack for this, but the inner LJ shipper in me just couldn't resist. Hope all you Lily/Severus fans aren't terribly offended...all in the interest of cannon you know..._

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><p>The first time James Potter asks her out, Lily says no.<p>

The second time, she says no as well.

The one hundred and fourth time, however, she reconsiders.

"I love you Lily," he pronounces dramatically, "and love isn't something you just give up on. Not without good reason. Have I ever given you a reason to give up on me?"

Lily takes a deep breath, and explains all the reasons he's given her.

James looks taken aback for a moment, then recovers himself. "Alright, so I guess I'm an idiotic, insensitive prick. But just give me a chance Lily, and I swear I won't even ask for your forgiveness, I'll just spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you."


	33. Barrier

Since Lily and James started going out, Severus has taken to carrying large stacks of books around with him wherever he goes. They serve as a convenient barrier between himself and the outside world, so that he never has to see them strolling through the hallway holding hands, or snogging behind the beach tree where Lily and Severus almost shared a first kiss.

Sometimes though, when his guard is down and his eyes can't help but steal over towards her, he catches a glimpse of the two of them together.

She smiles at Potter the way she used to smile at him.

It makes him want to slug Potter. Then grab hold of Lily, and never let her go.


	34. Retracted Hexes

_A/N: I had a difficult time coming up with a title for this one, so if any one has any better suggestions, I'd love to hear them!_

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><p>Since Lily and Potter's relationship began, Severus has found himself with the opportunity to hex Potter exactly twice.<p>

Each time he's pulled out his wand, aimed, and begun to mutter an incantation. Each time he's reconsidered, and pulled back at the last second.

Severus still thinks Potter is an arrogant, egocentric, piece of swine. Nothing has changed in that respect.

But Severus can't remember the last time he saw Lily smile the way she does when they're together.

And as much as he'd enjoy hexing Potter into the next millennia, he can't bring himself to wipe that breathtaking smile off her face.


	35. Hunting

They call it hunting. Every Friday night a group of Slytherin boys heads into the forest. They bring firewhiskey and a good bit of bloodlust, and spend the night gallivanting about the forest, mostly just making a racket, but occasionally shooting spells after any small animal that has the misfortune of crossing their path.

As he's gulping down his lunch and trying not to notice the way Potter keeps leaning into Lily and whispering in her ear, or the way Lily keeps giggling and whispering back, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He looks up to see Avery towering over him.

"Hunting tonight?"

Severus nods, then stares hard at Potter. He knows whose face he'll be picturing as he shoots spells into the treetops tonight.

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><p><em>hplover321: Severus used Sectumsempra on a rat, and Lily happened to witness it. A bit of a contrived occurence, I know, but I thought it was important plotwise<em>

_Also, thank you everyone whose favorited/reviewed/read this fic so far-uploading to this fic is the best part of my day, I'm glad you guys seem to enjoy it so much!_


	36. Rumors

_A/N: Please read the next two drabbles back-to-back. They second one takes place a few hours after the first. _

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><p>The story had been buzzing about the castle like a swarm of angry bees. A centaur boy, roughly her own age, had been discovered dangling from a tree in the forbidden forest. Beaten, mutilated, unmistakably dead.<p>

There's another rumor too. There were six Slytherin boys absent from the feast the night before the body was found. One of them was Severus.

Still, Lily doesn't believe. Can't believe.

It's not until she sees the body as they carry it down the lawn. Sees the gashes clotted with blood. She knows that spell.

_Sectumsempra_.

She runs to the bushes and vomits violently.


	37. Him

"Severus!" she cries desperately, "That was an innocent boy, just a little boy! What you did to him-"

"He was a filthy, disgusting half breed!" He snarls back, "He deserved every-"

"No he didn't! He was helpless, weak, powerless—I would have thought—you of all people—what your father did-"

"Do NOT bring my father into this!" He thunders, incensed, "I am nothing like him."

She bites her lip, knowing what she has to say will sting, but knowing too that she has to say it.

"You're right," she answers evenly, "You're not like him.

You _are_ him."


	38. Empty Wishes

_A/N: Sorry for the long wait guys, life has been pretty hectic for me these last few days...but I have to say I was happy with all the strong responses I got to the last two chapters. Thanks for keeping me in the loop-its good to know I'm doing my job and making you all thoroughly miserable!_

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><p>"Sev, I wish…"<p>

These are the last words she ever speaks to him.

She catches him in the hallway, the day before graduation, and begins to speak.

But before she can finish, she realizes she doesn't know what she wants to say. She wishes what? That things had been different? That Severus hadn't betrayed her like that? That they could go back to the way things were before?

It was useless. No amount of wishing could ever make things right.

So for once in her life she leaves her thought unfinished, allowing Severus to fill in the blanks for himself.


	39. Invitation Considerations

She stares down at the name, hard. As though willing her eyes to bore a hole right through it.

_Severus._

It's under the maybe column on her tentative guest list, the only name that remains to be crossed off.

She knows it was absurd to even write it down, knows it was even more ludicrous not to cross it out as soon as the cursed name had escaped from her quill.

Still, she can't help but at least pretend to consider it. Pretend as though it's still an option.

But of course, it's out of the question. She picks up her quill, and sighing, crosses off his name.

She can invite her traitor sister to her wedding.

But she could never invite a death eater.


	40. Grief

_A/N: Well, you knew this moment was coming...please read these next two back to back for the full effect. _

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><p>He always thought grief would be painful, but not like this.<p>

He sits across from the radio, listening dumbfounded as it pronounces those awful words:

"_Lily Potter is dead."_

At first, he can't make sense of the phrase. He feels as though he is underwater, looking up to the surface and trying to make out a voice up above. But then the radio repeats itself, and this time, it hits him.

Hard.

It's like a bludger to the stomach, this grief. He finds himself doubled over, feeling like retching, but not quite able to.

He stays like this, curled upon himself like a pig for slaughter, for a long while.


	41. Celebration

He hears a loud commotion outside, and blinks out the window at a scene so absurd it must be a dream.

People are dancing in the streets, singing, laughing, shooting fireworks from their wandtips.

He watches them curiously, as a child might watch a butterfly, sure that it will fly away and disappear into the sky at any moment.

Shakily, he raises his hand to the windowpane, half expecting them all to blow away like a wisp of smoke the second his fingers touch the glass.

They don't, of course. And Severus sits there staring at them, wondering how anyone could possibly celebrate…not now, not when Lily Evans, the only person he ever truly loved, is gone forever.


	42. Dreams

_A/N: To all of you who thought that last chapter was the end, silly readers! We've still got a couple more depressing drabbles to go before you're free. _

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><p>He dreams of her often now.<p>

He enjoys these dreams while they last, but they are fleeting. Never enough. He tries to touch her and she slips away as he drifts towards consciousness. He tries to breathe in a whiff of her flowery shampoo, and is instead met with the pungent aroma of his filthy apartment.

And then he wakes up, and in that moment when he realizes that it was all just a dream, remembers that he will never touch her again, never breathe in her scent, it hurts almost more than he can bear.

Every night he finds her, every morning, he loses her all over again.


	43. Dumbledore's Request

He would do what Dumbledore asked. There had never been any question. His answer had been long decided.

It had been decided before the question had even been posed. Before Lily had died. Before the prophecy. Before she'd had her baby.

In fact, if he was honest with himself, it had been decided the very first time he caught a glimpse of those gorgeous emerald eyes, brimming with happiness as she let go of that swing and soared through the air.

He would do everything he could to protect Harry, because he loved Lily.

It was that simple.


	44. Here, Too Late

_A/N: We're nearing the end here folks! Just a few more to go! This is another two parter. As always, read, enjoy and review! I've been getting some lovely and even some mind-bending reviews lately-keep them coming!_

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><p>"Well, I'm here Lils," he says, looking down at the gravestone, "I don't know if you can tell, but I am."<p>

He looks down at the ground, fidgets a bit.

"I brought you something," he says, extracting a lily from his pocket, "it's not to ask for your forgiveness, I know I don't deserve that. It's just…for old times sake I guess. I thought you'd like it."

"I don't think—I mean, I know, that I never told you how much you meant to me. I guess it's too late for that now…"

He tucks the lily into the grass beside the headstone, and turns to go.


	45. Doesn't Matter

He remembers suddenly, the day Lily took him to his father's gravestone, stood him in front of it, and forced him to speak his mind to the man who never listened anyway. Then he remembers the day they lay together in the grass, and Lily told him all about the tree in the forest, the one that makes a sound just for itself.

He decides that it doesn't matter that it's too late, doesn't matter that she probably can't hear him.

He sits down in front of the tombstone, faces it squarely, and spends the next half hour explaining to Lily exactly how much he loves her.


	46. Routine

These days, Severus is envious of that Romeo bastard. Romeo never had to live in a world where his love no longer existed.

Severus does, every day.

He's taken a post at Hogwarts, teaching potions classes. He teaches throughout the day, then retreats to his study to brood throughout the night. There is a semblance of order to this routine, of purpose.

Severus thinks of following in Romeo's footsteps sometimes, of ending the daily pain of waking each day and losing her anew. But in the end, he can't do it. His love for Lily is too strong to even allow for that.

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><p><em>AN: See, there was a good reason for the Romeo & Juliet drabble earlier on! Actually, you guys might want to re-read that drabble before reading the next one...can't tell you why yet, but you'll find out soon enough. _


	47. Love Is

_A/N: Last one guys! Enjoy-see extended authors note below if you're interested in reading more of my ramblings._

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><p>He understands now, exactly what love is. It's not the dramatic stuff of muggle films, the force that drives people to dash through crowded airports or kiss passionately in the rain.<p>

Love isn't nearly so conspicuous.

In fact, true love is quiet, nearly unperceivable.

It's a grove of lilies, replenishing itself slowly, silently, but surely.

It's a small boy, locked away in a cupboard under the stairs, his chest rising and falling in rhythmic sleep.

And it's a broken, lonely man, waking up each day and rising to his feet, picking up the pieces of his shattered life and building with them something solid, salvageable, something better than himself.

Love is mundane, love is grueling.

_But Lily was right,_ Severus thinks, _just like she always was._

Love is incredible.

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><p><em>AN: Well, endings have always been tough for me, and this one was no exception. I hope I did justice to these two wonderfully complex characters. I've always loved Lily as a character, but it wasn't till I started writing this that I realized how much sympathy I had for Severus as well. _

_Anyway, I'll stop talking about myself now. Thank you guys so much for all the fantastic support you gave me all the way through. For everyone who reviewed, who favorited, who alerted, or even who just simply read this story, thank you guys so much! Reading reviews and watching the hits mount on this story was oftentimes the best part of my day! This story wouldn't have been nearly as fun and rewarding to write without you!_

_Also, keep this on your alert menu's! It bugs me that I've ended on an odd number of chapters, so if I get inspired I might add another drabble here or there wherever it fits chronologically. Keep your eyes peeled! _

_Thanks again!_

_~Jules_


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